Some final words?

A new poem...I am amazed...believe me I am. But I did it...and I dont think it's half bad...and I understand it...even if no one else will!

may i have some final words? no.

what if it all means something?
i doubt that even that would mean a thing.

are we all so hopeless? no.

i have felt so many kisses
that after awhile they started to feel
like tears of joy:
nice but so unneeded and useless.
being unemotional always ends up being emotional.
what a waste of my [un]precious time.

some things aren’t certain? no.
nothing is certain? no.
all things are certain? no.
are we certain? no.
is this certain? no.
BUT ARE YOU CERTAIN? certainly.
i remember when certainty was comforting
instead of suffocating.

this decision
could be the death of me
[or of you if the person i’m thinking of
has anything to say about
this matter…]
OH PLEASE!
don’t tell me that it doesn’t matter.

set me free from this
before i do.
fuck this phase…
why not? no.
why not? no.
you have ALREADY fucked
up everything else.
including this
now let it
GO!
…no.
then I will.
…no!

what is it all means something?
sometimes i pray to God that that’s not true…

hypocrisy at it’s greatest? no.


so you hate loving me? no.
admit it…and add another regret
to the long list that you keep.
another secret to hide from…
you know who
i’m talking about.

you’re not listening again!
i hate you and i love you
sound the same to your ears.
it’s sad that in this place i’m in
screaming i hate you
is so much more satisfying than
whispering i love you.

I HATE YOU!
but oh, how i love you!
you never did leave me satisfied.

and all of them
they seem to feel the need to say that
i’m wonderful.
wonder fills me.
i am full of wonder.
i am wonder full.
but i will never be
wonderful.
because you…
you’re wonderful.
and i am NOTHING like you.

and all you have for me
are blank stares
and a voice that tells me
i am nothing special to you..
i dare you…
make me cry…
make me CARE!

do you cry? no.
do you care? no.
do you hurt? no.
will it hurt? no.
why don’t you set me free? i am wonderful.
i remember when saying i love you was a compliment
instead of an insult.

what if it all means something?
an endless abyss of meaning…

is no one else afraid? no.

i’m contagious.
that’s why we had to be
sep-a-rate-ed.
it’s the only logical explanation
except for…there are two wooden boxes there.

should i take you with me? no.
do you want to come with me? no.
will you come with me? no.
can you come with me? no.
WHY CANT WE BE TOGETHER? you are contagious.
i remember when being right made me proud
instead of making me want to hurt…something.

NO!

there are two wooden boxes
there.
it’s not that far
it’s not that far
it’s not that far

it’s just not close.
closer…
closer…
closer…

even as this box is sealed with nails

i love you.

and just for the record:
i do think i can tell
heaven from hell…
all i need to do is
take a GOD DAMN
look around!
I WISH YOU WERE HERE.

how i wish you were here.

Pussy Anyone?

The really sad part about my rant about the Pussycat Dolls is that I really enjoy listening to them. And I enjoy listening to anything featuring Timberland...he has a really cool voice. And that is my pathetic statment of the night.

What an IDEA!

And this, ladies and gentlemen, is how I will make my millions!

And I simply CANNOT express it...I simply cannot.

Lately no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to express anything I'm feeling through words. Which really kind of sucks because I dont think I've ever felt quite so conflicted in my life. Things just seem to be spiraling out of my control...which could be either a good thing or a bad thing. I'm not sure which yet.

Nabil is away at the fish farms. Eric is in Quebec. Ali is home for the moment but her departure is quickly approaching, not to mention the fact that she has yet another C name in her life distracting her. Amanda may come home for a few days before she is off to Ireland (lucky girl). I am really missing Eric...I just liked having him around...more than I can really explain. Ali is simply wonderful, I have so much love for her but our lives are going to quickly go seperate ways...at least thats how I'm feeling. It's not that we wont still be friends, because I honestly think we will be, but I do think we're going to be further apart then we are now.

I need someone to run away with. I need someone to start a Bohemian community with. I need someone to live with. I need someone who feels the way I do. I need someone to get me. I need someone...who in this moment wants the same things I do. Freedom. Escape.

I am seeing everything through motion right now. I want to express everything through motion...the need to physically show how I am feeling. And I'm not talking about sex...I'm not that cliche. Sex is something that I'm getting tired of all together...emotional connection is something I am missing. Probably because I found so much of it this summer. It's the same with drugs. I used to feel that they made my vision clearer...but now they just seem to cloud it...which makes me feel like maybe I'm worse off now than I was before.

I think that the strangest part of all this is that it isn't depression...it's just confusion. I think depression usually comes from a place of certainty whether we are willing to admit that or not.

Well, I'm going to go and dance.

The picture is of myself and Jordan at grad. Much love to him, me makes my heart feel a bit lighter. Friends for such a long time.

As always there will be more later...

C

this comic makes the world a better place...

This reminds me of the video I made...I'm so glad other people think like me...I am NOT alone!

soooo tired

and unneccesarily so...it's way to much work cleaning my room...but i really dont want it to be messy anymore...i figure well i have the time i should just do it...but man...it is seriously tiring me out...i think i shall finish tomorrow...

The Thing That I Am Doing

I am sitting here talking to Deep Blue.

The minutes are flashing by my eyes: 1:35:31

Time goes by...so slowly...tickticktock...

When I was 15, I should not have been doing the things I was doing.

Chris is awesome! I heart him times 3.

I must end this soon...now...before it is too late...

...

....

.....

Fin.