And I simply CANNOT express it...I simply cannot.

Lately no matter how hard I try I cannot seem to express anything I'm feeling through words. Which really kind of sucks because I dont think I've ever felt quite so conflicted in my life. Things just seem to be spiraling out of my control...which could be either a good thing or a bad thing. I'm not sure which yet.

Nabil is away at the fish farms. Eric is in Quebec. Ali is home for the moment but her departure is quickly approaching, not to mention the fact that she has yet another C name in her life distracting her. Amanda may come home for a few days before she is off to Ireland (lucky girl). I am really missing Eric...I just liked having him around...more than I can really explain. Ali is simply wonderful, I have so much love for her but our lives are going to quickly go seperate ways...at least thats how I'm feeling. It's not that we wont still be friends, because I honestly think we will be, but I do think we're going to be further apart then we are now.

I need someone to run away with. I need someone to start a Bohemian community with. I need someone to live with. I need someone who feels the way I do. I need someone to get me. I need someone...who in this moment wants the same things I do. Freedom. Escape.

I am seeing everything through motion right now. I want to express everything through motion...the need to physically show how I am feeling. And I'm not talking about sex...I'm not that cliche. Sex is something that I'm getting tired of all together...emotional connection is something I am missing. Probably because I found so much of it this summer. It's the same with drugs. I used to feel that they made my vision clearer...but now they just seem to cloud it...which makes me feel like maybe I'm worse off now than I was before.

I think that the strangest part of all this is that it isn't depression...it's just confusion. I think depression usually comes from a place of certainty whether we are willing to admit that or not.

Well, I'm going to go and dance.

The picture is of myself and Jordan at grad. Much love to him, me makes my heart feel a bit lighter. Friends for such a long time.

As always there will be more later...

C